Grief & Christian Faith

Greetings Jane!

Thanks for your good questions, and for the bravery and vulnerability that you’ve shown by asking them. First let me say that your suffering is real, understandable, and appropriate—but only for a time.

I’m so sorry you’re going through it. Nothing hurts worse than love interrupted. God knows! Just think about what God went thorough to be reunited with His loved-ones! (Philippians 2).

In His likeness, your desire for communion with your mom and sister is in fact godly and respectful of what God values most—that is, life together in communion with Him (John 17).

Even so, our godly desires can become especially dangerous to us if they’re not kept in the right-order. Indeed, the better something should be in our lives, the worse it will become if it goes wrong by becoming “out of order.”

Notice that only something as good as an archangel could become as evil as the devil. You see, Lucifer is nothing more than an archangel out of order. He is a very good thing—but he has gone horribly wrong.

Now, why is noticing this nuance so important?

Because only something as good as the freedom to love others can twist itself into bitterness, selfishness, and eventually even into hatred. Unfortunately, this happens a lot—even to good angels, and to some very good people too!

It is because love is such a good thing that we find ourselves on really sensitive ground here. I’m afraid we must proceed carefully.

I’ll start by acknowledging the limits of my effort here. As a Christian philosopher, I’m in the idea business. Love can be expressed as a good-idea (we call it “the gospel”). But the power of love is so much more than its truth-value as an idea.

Love is something that we experience in the most basic part of ourselves. That’s why the hurt of personal loss runs deep beyond description. Since this is the case, nothing I say here can adequately “answer” your problem. I don’t have the power or resources to fill your void.

But I know Someone Who does.

Indeed, I’m fully convinced that there is an Answer to your problem, and that we can find Him together by pursuing some good-ideas—and by avoiding some bad-ones.

Jane, my response to your question has four parts. First is a word of understanding. Second, an important word of warning. Third, a little correction. And last, the Ultimate-Word of hope.

_____

In your question, you noticed a difference between your reaction to the loss of your father, friends, and other loved ones—and to the recent loss of your mother and sister. Grief is a very nuanced and personal thing, so don’t let this difference bother you too much. Still, it holds a clue to something really important.

Since you are a daughter, mother, sister, wife, etc.—much of your own value and identity has been relationally shared with your mom and sister to this point. There is a very real part of your life (perhaps the most real part) that is meaningful only through communion with others.

Here’s what I mean by this. Your sister made you into a sister too. Your Mother (and Father) made you a daughter. Your husband makes you a wife. Your children make you a mother. And each of your friends make you a friend too. Through love we give ourselves to one another, and thereby relationally fill and intercomplete one another. Life really is a dance!

No doubt you place immeasurable importance on who and what you are as a daughter and sister. Having lost what you perceive to be direct access to these relations, you find yourself confronted with a crisis of communion—the “HUGE void” you have described.

It sounds very much like your relationship with your mother kept you connected to your father. Likewise, your relationship with your sister, while immeasurably valuable in itself, also kept you connected to both of your parents, but especially to your mom.

Indeed, it sounds like your relationship with your mom is a lynchpin of personal meaning for you. You said yourself that she “was everything” to you. Now that your sister has passed on too, your perceived connection to that lynchpin of meaning feels like it has gone missing.

That’s why you feel “lost.” But you’re not lost—I promise. 

You’re just a little confused, and understandably so.

_____

Jane, I have no doubt that you would really like to find and connect with your missing lynchpin again. And because you are so vulnerable right now, you must take special care. Because it is really common to try to fill up our painful voids in inappropriate and ultimately ineffective ways.

This is why using mediums and spiritists to allegedly re-connect with deceased loved-ones is such a booming business. It always has been. Indeed, those who want to try it for themselves can pick up a Ouija board at their local Walmart. Incredibly, this very real tool for occult connection sits on the same shelf as Monopoly, Chutes & Ladders, and Yahtzee!

Now, I’m not suggesting that you would try this as a Christian. But I do want you to soberly notice that your present suffering is precisely the demand that such things exist to supply.

So notice carefully that the Old Testament unequivocally prohibits using mediums and all such practices to connect with the dead (Leviticus 20:6; Isaiah 8:19-20).

The New Testament clearly reinforces the ungodliness of these practices, and adds light to why they’re so dangerous. It is because the connections from these practices are counterfeits of the real love-communion available to us through life-together in the Holy Spirit (Galatians 5).

Indeed, these false connections are made through demonic intermediaries—that is, through spirits “out of order” (See Acts 16:16-24).

The greatest trick the devil plays on the western world is convincing us that he and his cronies don’t really exist. But since these agents do exist to stir up our confusion and prolong our suffering—it is potentially very dangerous to look for the nearness of our deceased loved-ones in a sign or feeling.

While I believe that angels in proper order are here to help us—they are at war with angels who are out of order. And these are doing their level-best to harm us through distraction and confusion. Since we are ill equipped to tell the difference, especially when we are suffering a spiritual trauma, signs and feelings just aren’t the best resource to solve a crisis of communion.

Notice that a sign can’t fill up your HUGE void anyways. Were you to experience a sign, it would certainly thrill you for a moment. But the “high” of that thrill would quickly give way to emptiness once more. In the end, it would only reenforce the depth of your HUGE void all over again.

No doubt, you would end up feeling more miserable than you did before and go in search of a brand-new high. Of course, this leads to the classic pattern of self-destruction that we see going on all around us. Fair Warning: even very good people like you can fall into this trap.

Jane, this particularly cruel brand of “torture” is something that your mom and sister would never put you through! But the devil would love to put you through it.

Don’t let him!

Furthermore, it is no coincidence that substance abuse is a common response to a crisis of communion. Indeed the Greek word for “sorcery” in the New-Testament is the same word from which we get the English term “pharmacy.”

Consider that many who use illicit drugs aren’t really trying to escape. They’re trying to re-connect with another reality—perhaps one that they’ve lost. All too often, drug-habits are first motivated by personal loss—that is, by a painful crisis of communion. An important part of eventually filling your void is identifying and rejecting everything that cannot fill it up. As Hippocrates wisely said: “First, do no harm”—not to yourself, and not to your loved ones who really need you—just like you needed your mom.

The Bible teaches that when believers become absent from the body, they are present with the Lord (Luke 23:43; 2 Corinthians 5:6-7; Philippians 1:21-24).

Whether or not they can still hear us isn’t something revealed to us in scripture, or in nature. Since this is the case, I’m afraid that all speculations on this topic (including mine) are impossible to justify—and are therefore totally unreliable.

This is why your research into these topics has been so frustrating for you. You’ve been comparing the truth-value of a lot of wild guesses made by people who do not, and cannot really know.

I won’t make your situation worse by offering up a guess of my own. Instead, I’d like to point you to something much more steady—to Someone Who is Ultimately-Steady, especially in the face of our deepest and darkest trials (Matthew 7:24-27).

_____

Many Bible commentators don’t think that God gave suffering Job an answer to his questions. They’re dead wrong about that! God most certainly did give Job THE ANSWER.

HE IS the answer!

Only HE is “HUGE” enough to fill your void. Only HE has the resources of meaning needed to solve your crisis of communion. Therefore, it is to hope in His Perfect-Love that we must turn—in faith.

Jane, your question might itself reveal an important mistake in your relational priorities. It might be really hard for you to face up to this mistake—but if you can put some courage on and do it, then I think renewed peace, and a renewed fullness of your joy will soon follow.

You shared that your mom was “everything” to you. I realize that this is a common figure of speech, and that you also mentioned your care for your husband and kids, along with your devotion to Jesus as the appropriate Object of your prayer.

Even so—sometimes when we are particularly vulnerable, as you are right now—the truth can bubble up from the bottom of our hearts and pop right out with simple unveiled honesty (Luke 6:45).

Maybe it has in your case. Only you and God know. But if it has, I would encourage you to bravely own your truth and try to work through it. This is the only way to understand the nature of the HUGE void that you are experiencing—as well as the reason you feel so lost right now.

Begin by meditating carefully on this question: WHO IS “everything” to your mom? Your mother has been an unfathomable source of value and meaning to you. No doubt she still is! But where does her value REALLY come from? I’ll bet it flowed into her from her husband, from her own mom and dad, and from other loved ones who gave themselves to her, and made her into the mother you and your sister enjoyed together.

You see, many others gave love and meaning to your mom, because someone else gave love and meaning to them. And this legacy of love goes all the way back, and all the way up to the very Source of Love and Meaning Himself. Love is God’s own legacy. (See Deuteronomy 7:9 & John 3:16)

HE IS your mom’s everything right now. HE IS your sister’s everything too. Indeed, HE always has been! And I’ll bet if your mom and sister could draw near and tell you something right now—they would tell you that Jesus REALLY IS their everything. And they would encourage you to see HIM as your everything again too—just like they do!

If you do, your love for your mom & sister will continue to thrive in your shared life together with Jesus. Because in His Life their deaths have been conquered—and so has yours!

Jane, death is a really nasty inconvenience for us in this busted world. But your love for your mom and sister is safe and sound with Jesus in the REAL WORLD we are going to!

…that is, if HE IS your everything.

When HE IS, you don’t need a sign. Because you’ve already been given a lifetime of meaning to draw value from. Indeed, HE IS a well of meaning springing up to everlasting life! (John 4)

Consider this carefully. The past isn’t lost to you at all—it is very real. The relationships that you have shared with your sister and parents are stored and kept safe for you there—in Jesus.

Indeed, your past with your loved ones is a treasure-chest full of joys shared. And since God Is Love, and His love transcends time—you can open that treasure-chest, draw meaning from it—and enjoy the love of your mom, dad, and sister through memory whenever you want to.

In this way, they are always with you—and you can feel their presence whenever you want to. Watch and see how God fills your memories with the feelings of love and communion that you are craving right now—especially when you share these memories with others. You see, these feelings aren’t less real because they are attached to things that have already happened. They are more real—because they really did happen!

All the life that you have lived and shared is yours to enjoy forever and thank God for. So stop fretting about what your loved ones are going to miss. Make sure you don’t miss it! Choose to treasure the awesome abundance of life, love, and joy that you have been privileged to share with your mom and your sister—and still do in your life together with Jesus through the Holy Spirit!

This choice is before you. You can continue to perceive the love that you shared with your mom and sister as something that you’ve lost.

Or you can perceive their love as something very much still alive—and with you as you and your loved ones are “one” together in Jesus Christ through the Holy Spirit. 

If you will trust these precious relationships to God, He will empower you to pay their love forward into others. Indeed, your husband and children are depending on you for love and meaning—just like you depended on your dad, mom, and sister. So, why not pay their love forward and watch it thrive again in the living?

Your children will perceive this love as your own (which it really is!)—and someday they will pass it on to their children who will perceive it in just the same way—and they will give it to your children’s children who will also…and so on for a thousand generations (Deuteronomy. 7:9)

_____

Jane, I’m afraid I don’t know much about the New Heaven and the New Earth. I believe with all my heart that a just and perfect world is coming someday when Jesus makes all things new. But I know this much with sure confidence today.

Your access to the “Tree of Life” is real right now through Jesus Christ. In Him, you are, and will always be connected to your loved ones who abide in Him (John 15). All you have to do is look at the Tree of Life from where you stand—and you will see your loved-ones upholding you—even as Jesus faithfully upholds them for all time.

Now it’s your turn. You can keep God’s legacy of love going in your family by making sure that “your” branches keep growing strong. How?

By passing on the value and meaning of your parents, sister, and other loved ones into the lives of your husband, your kids, your grandkids, and your friends. 

You see, the living are depending on you for meaning, just like you depend on Jesus, and on all who now abide in Him forever.

My beloved friend, in order to keep on loving your mom and your sister—you have to let them go. You have to give them away.

I know that letting go is scary. But when you do, a miracle will happen. You will soon realize that their love for you will never run out so long as you keep on sharing it with others. And that only by giving their love away—can it ever become yours to keep…

…because it’s been God’s Love all along. (Matthew 10:39)

Please accept my heartfelt condolences for your many recent losses—along with my fervent hope for your renewed peace and fullness of joy in Jesus Christ by the Holy Spirit. (John 15:9-13).

Truly-Yours in Jesus' Love,

Jonathan Michael Huls M.A.

Preliminary Questions

Because Ideas Matter

P.S.

For more on this topic, I can enthusiastically recommend the following resources to be read in the listed order:

Man’s Search For Meaning by Victor E. Frankl (A holocaust survivor’s psychology of love).

The Problem of Pain by C.S. Lewis (Lewis’ philosophy on the problem of evil and suffering).

A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis (A profoundly raw and personal journal of loss & faith tested).

The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis (Imaginings about Heaven, Hell, and what lies in between).